R.E.M.I.N.I.S.C.E.N.C.E

remembering the past,

what i am doing here, in this moment.

people change, yes they did.

but how can someone regret it?

reading my friend blogs didnt really make me feel relief because i end up getting messed up, in me..

well, good for her, she found herself,like what she is doing right now.

but what bout me??

i have dreams, lots of them. but none can happene, not anymore.

why? because i am in this path, medicine path.

yes, i will try to like it, try to live in it, but i cant lie to myself.

yes, i am a hypocrite. i knew that already.

since i get into this path, my hypocriticity tnd to increase, and i know why.

how can i be happy in this field? telling those that love this field that i dont even want to be here.

yes, it already predestined by GOD. i understand that, bu my mind, and my heart kept wandering, asking questions, and i, end up asking myself again, and again.

OH GOD, the road you chose me to ride is so difficult, not difficult for me to try to ride, but hard for me to understand. yes, all that i need to know might not be answered right away,but this heart of mine, keep pushing me,asking me to made up my mind.

i agree with this road, i'll try to keep on walking into this journey YOU give me,

but please, let this be the correct one,

i dont want to be among those who regret.

ameen.

i just W.I.S.H everything is fine

when things just didnt go my way,
evertything seems wrong
and i am the only right.
this is wrong, yes, i know, but well
my mind want to say i am right.
watever~
all that i know, i am not in a good mood,
that's all.

missing 'the F.R.I.E.N.D'

Dear F, u know who u are..
and if u read this,
u should know, this is from my heart.

F,
i know you are still hurt from everything,
but can you just let them go?
because i need you so, and now, i will never let you go.

F,
i realise my mistakes, but you should too, yours.
dont let all the years we already had slipped away...
i mean it.
i never meant to hurt you, nor that i want to break your heart.
i just want us to be friends, like we used to.

F,
you have that special place in my heart,
you never had too worry about me, comparing you and him...
because i wont..
you and him are different.

Yes, he is special to me.
Close to me.
But, you too.

I am not greedy, but i want you, both of you.
because i still need you, my best friend to talk to.
and i still need him, my boyfriend to love to.

F,
don't ask me to make choice, because i just wont.
you are special the way you are, so does him.
and i am blissful enought, to have both of you.

Dont blame me for choosing him,
dont blame him for asking me..
i know where my heart goes to, when you left me
i know where your heart goes, when you come for me.
but,
i already make the decision,
i wont left him, not for you.
yes, i need you,
but i need him too.

you want me to be happy,
but by leaving me, you make me sorrow.

you want me to choose you,
how can i wen my heart say no?

when i met you, my mind want to know you,
because we are friends, not more than that.
if then, you understand that, you'll find me.
and i am...
still waiting.

i am L.O.S.I.N.G my mind and my mood!

i got an idea, to write in this blog
well, now is the exact time when the internet gone crazy...
can u just pick another momento =(

C.O.L.O.R.S and me

choosing colors, is not easy. because your mind keep looking for it always see.

then, maybe i should choose one; for what my heart and soul seek.
you, beside me, always.

Human just P.L.A.N everything; we do

this evening, the reunion, went well. I guess. although what we have just 5 members (including me), the absence of others didn't really make any different. why?
yes, why?
because, what we have is more than just bond and see some familiar faces; but we share news and tru these, it did feel like everyone (or at least some that i know, i remember knowing them) were there.

well, i was suprised, am suprise till now.

how? my mind kept asking this.
in this whole universe, how can persons that i know, turn up to be like this?

my scholl, probably not the best, but yes sir, we are product; the best one from the school. few of us end up went to what we call as 'boarding schools'(including me, who decide to run from there after 2 months; i am not a spoiled kid, just too young), some went to bestari schools and some just to other normal schools.

from there, i imagine, yes, up until now, that these bright friends of mine will have a better future.

lilttle that i know, it doesn't turn up that way.

yes, human just plan, and HE decide everything.

Hearing that some quit after studying years in universities; some just go to work and earn little money (from my point of view) and satisfy with just that; some endup married. well, few futher their studies.

i am dissappointed. yes, i am frustrated.
how can, them, i know them for a long time, end up like this??
and how can they talk about it, like it doesnt matter at all?
because, i am thinking foward, and my mind keep saying, this is wrong, but how can they think like that?

one said; i wont futher to degree level, enough with what i have learnt. my mind is full. i cant
take it any longer.
my mind think: this is not true. if u just stop here, what about your future? your wife? kids?
parents? we can control our mind, our brain, how can u said this is enough?

one said; she just choose to quit study, after 2 years in the universities. she said: takde rezeki.
my mind think: those 2 years u spent just for the thought 'takde rezeki?' i dont understand.
how can u decide like that? stop like that?

one said; he is in final year, but the university kick him. if he is given one more chance..

one said; he'll futher in medicine next year, in indonesia, but in high school before spm, he
made a girl pregnant, and now married to her, with 2 children.

one said; the so called genius kid in school, now end up taking lesson as art teacher.

a lot stories that i heard, and many broke my heart.

i am confused, by what is happening.
is it new to me?
no, it is not. but..knowing someone you know do something like that, your mind just cant processed the raw data.

why?
because i am here, with a great path, bright future (insyaAllah) , and i was similar to them in standard school, why my fate is different?
what make it different?

and by that dinner, with 3 girls, and 2 boys ; and 3 of them didnt pray magrib (minus me n my fren), it all become clear.
and how the 2 boys can say that they are 'uzur', even make me chose not to look into their eyes.
our heart determine our mind.
indeed.

from someone who is from religious highschool, although i am now, not as good(tawadu') as i am before, but alhamdulillah, i still can differentiate between right and wrong.

and that is the bestest gift from YOU, ALLAH.
alhamdulillah.

back to R.E.A.L.I.T.Y.

yes, human forget.

yes, i do forget.

and Malays, always forget.

but it is not others to be blamed for; it is me; my mistake.

and i, the one who chose to do the mistakes, now regret;

but my mind asking my heart: how long can u regret, coz i noe u'll end up doin d same things,
follow d same roads, and regret all of them later.
and that are histories; meant to be repeated, i guess.

but, i want to change; for i know i am a better person, or at least i know i can be one.

kept saying that this is me, d real me, and feeling like a fool d next day; it is not a good decision.

doing medic might not be the best thing that i want; but it can be the best thing ever happen to me.

and all i got to do is; believe.

yes, i am trying to, harder each day.

for failing the exam is not a choice.

for wishing something else is no longer humming in my head.

for accepting, i am here; yes, i am here.

i'll do it everyday, refreshing my mind.

for, this is my destiny, my call and my fate.

thank Allah for this road.

i may not understand it today, but i will, the next day. Insya Allah.