yesterday exam

MCQ & OBA - was okay. should do better

OSCE

i am stupid, mad too

stupidly mistakenly think haemorrhoid banding set as laparoscopic set thus 10 marks is off into the drain

and i cant/unable to recongnize stoma bag. those stoma bag

but able to like hoping it was stoma bag n answer some of d Q- thus maybe i'll get 3/10 marks

what hurts most, or kinda make me down is how a lecturer come and says to me; u never seen a stoma bag?

i was like.. umm it's always been a transparent one in d ward...

the pics is brown in color..

yep not his mistakes too. but it's making me down the whole daaaaaaaaaay

and my PMP was ah-owkay but not in a yeay owkay way...




tomorrow is the clinical day

hopeing for good cases,easy case for me,my level

good lecturer...........

T.T and please not him

coz i already gave him this impression dat i am so stupid, unable to recognize stoma bag T.T

december

tomorrow is my final exam for surgery posting

i feel empty

i'm crying

i want to stop all of these

i want to put a stop sign ...

i dont want to be a doctor

i want my life

i need my life

why can i be like others.....









this is me, how i feel, while i'm studying management of head and neck ca...

D9

class started. SURGERY posting. briefing and i went back to room. i am lazy. yes i am. i still feel empty..

i was fasting on this day

today mission; 

aloe                           (/)
tea                            (/)  1.2L
2 shakes                    (/) for sahur and break-fast
plain water                 (/) 1.95L


break-fast: spaghetti meatball (given by friend) + 3 brownies
snack: mini ritter sport yogurt flavour 

D7, D8

D7

saturday; went to Terengganu for classmate's wedding

today mission; 

aloe                           (/)
tea                            (X)
2 shakes                   (X)
plain water                 (/) ; lots

it's not a cheat day. it's just... i feel empty, again..

lunch: kenduri's food. nasi pelangi+ayam sambal+daging+ air sirap+ plain water
snack: sotong goreng tepung + 1/2 pari goreng+ air kelapa limau  
dinner: none taken
snack: betik + kek lapis sarawak

end up using my money; a lot. rm40 (fuel+snack), rm22 (gifts), rm7.50 (wedding gift), rm35 (new tudung from kelantan)

D8

feeling empty, it's still there. i wish it can go away..

today mission; 

aloe                           (/)
tea                            (/)  800mL
1 shakes                    (/) for breakfast 
plain water                 (/) ; 1.35L

lunch: nasi ayam penyet+ lemon ice (estimated rm14.00)
snack: 2 chicken mcmuffin... given by friend, and i cant say no
dinner: nasi arab. given by friend
snack: 2 brownies... given by friend..


bought 3 new novels; great deal since it's books fair: rm40.70

my diet is ruined, but i dont feel guilty

i am glad i have u,
       the one that understand
           tries to understand me,


                                   12/11/12
                                         10:03pm

I want to feel lost in my own world,
    in my own self, true self
 without the needs to think
   anything
   you
   me
   others
   impossible, but
     worth to try it
  as every day I'm losing myself
    bit by bit,
  will i ever keep my own me?
    will i'll be me again?


             12/11/12
              9:21pm

D6

the notes;all left untouched.. hmm

finish watching i miss you episode 1; crying like a stupid person..

finish reading recapped episode of i miss you episode 1 n 2; still crying like a stupid person.
   idk why, my heart just feel pain.. idk why... my tears just keep on falling..

anywaysss

today mission; 

aloe                           (/)
tea                            (/)  2L
2 shakes                    (/) for breakfast n lunch
plain water                 (/) ; current volume: 2.6L

dinner             : young tau foo from pasar malam; 1 = rm0.40, total 5.60 (with 0.80 kangkungs), rm2.50 ayam bakar bahagian dada, rm1 benda cucuk cucuk. 3 kopok lekor from friend.

snek di malam hari:   3 hiris betik. 

hmmm diet la sgt. entah.

I cried
Tears running down my cheeks, still
Raindrops...
Pain, my heart is in pain
I cried
and cried
even when I smile
   because my pain is only mine.
   Raindrops
   Raindrops
   Droplet... can you go faster?
     So fast that i cant feel the pain
     So fast that i cant linger about it
     Rain drops
     Raindrops
     You're all mine, still.


November 09,2012. 8:26 am
 

D5

today; i think about my future; about me, him and us... hmmm =(

anyways;
today mission; up till  10:13pm:

aloe                           (/)
tea (2L)                      (/)  
2 shakes                    (/)
plain water                 (/) ; current volume: 2.55L (dont know why, i keep on feeling thirsty...)

lunch:                  
nasi ayam penyet jungle rm5

snack lazat di waktu petang; 4 slice cheese kek. hahaha omg am i dieting ke ???? saja hadiah diri n kenduri kawan2 sbb lulus exam.........

fail gila diet nya =.=

bye!

19 things to stop doing in your 20s

19 Things To Stop Doing In Your 20s

1. Stop placing all the blame on other people for how they interact with you. To an extent, people treat you the way you want to be treated. A lot of social behavior is cause and effect. Take responsibil

ity for (accept) the fact that you are the only constant variable in your equation.

2. Stop being lazy by being constantly “busy.” It’s easy to be busy. It justifies never having enough time to clean, cook for yourself, go out with friends, meet new people. Realize that every time you give in to your ‘busyness,’ it’s you who’s making the decision, not the demands of your job.

3. Stop seeking out distractions. You will always be able to find them.

4. Stop trying to get away with work that’s “good enough.” People notice when “good enough” is how you approach your job. Usually these people will be the same who have the power to promote you, offer you a health insurance plan, and give you more money. They will take your approach into consideration when thinking about you for a raise.

5. Stop allowing yourself to be so comfortable all the time. Coming up with a list of reasons to procrastinate risky, innovative decisions offers more short-term gratification than not procrastinating. But when you stop procrastinating to make a drastic change, your list of reasons to procrastinate becomes a list of ideas about how to better navigate the risk you’re taking.

6. Stop identifying yourself as a cliche and start treating yourself as an individual. Constantly checking your life against a prewritten narrative or story of how things “should” be is a bought-into way of life. It’s sort of like renting your identity. It isn’t you. You are more nuanced than the narrative you try to fit yourself into, more complex than the story that “should” be happening.

7. Stop expecting people to be better than they were in high school — learn how to deal with it instead. Just because you’re out of high school doesn’t mean you’re out of high school. There will always be people in your life who want what you have, are threatened by who you are, and will ridicule you for doing something that threatens how they see their position in the world.

8. Stop being stingy. If you really care about something, spend your money on it. There is often a notion that you are saving for something. Either clarify what that thing is or start spending your money on things that are important to you. Spend money on road trips. Spend money on healthy food. Spend money on opportunities. Spend money on things you’ll keep.

9. Stop treating errands as burdens. Instead, use them as time to focus on doing one thing, and doing it right. Errands and chores are essentially rote tasks that allow you time to think. They function to get you away from your phone, the internet, and other distractions. Focus and attention span are difficult things to maintain when you’re focused and attentive on X amount of things at any given moment.

10. Stop blaming yourself for being human. You’re fine. Having a little anxiety is fine. Being scared is fine. Your secrets are fine. You’re well-meaning. You’re intelligent. You’re blowing it out of proportion. You’re fine.

11. Stop ignoring the fact that other people have unique perspectives and positions. Start approaching people more thoughtfully. People will appreciate you for deliberately trying to conceive their own perspective and position in the world. It not only creates a basis for empathy and respect, it also primes people to be more open and generous with you.

12. Stop seeking approval so hard. Approach people with the belief that you’re a good person. It’s normal to want the people around you to like you. But it becomes a self-imposed burden when almost all your behavior toward certain people is designed to constantly reassure you of their approval.

13. Stop considering the same things you’ve always done as the only options there are. It’s unlikely that one of the things you’ll regret when you’re older is not having consumed enough beer in your 20s, or not having bought enough $5 lattes, or not having gone out to brunch enough times, or not having spent enough time on the internet. Fear of missing out is a real, toxic thing. You’ve figured out drinking and going out. You’ve experimented enough. You’ve gotten your fill of internet memes. Figure something else out.

14. Stop rejecting the potential to feel pain. Suffering is a universal constant for sentient beings. It is not unnatural to suffer. Being in a constant state of suffering is bad. But it is often hard to appreciate happiness when there’s nothing to compare it to. Rejecting the potential to suffer is unsustainable and unrealistic.

15. Stop approaching adverse situations with anger and frustration. You will always deal with people who want things that seem counter to your interests. There will always be people who threaten to prevent you from getting what you want by trying to get what they want. This is naturally frustrating. Realize that the person you’re dealing with is in the same position as you — by seeking out your own interests, you threaten to thwart theirs. It isn’t personal — you’re both just focused on getting different things that happen to seem mutually exclusive. Approach situations like these with reason. Be calm. Don’t start off mad, it’ll only make things more tense.

16. Stop meeting anger with anger. People will make you mad. Your reaction to this might be to try and make them mad. This is something of a first-order reaction. That is, it isn’t very thoughtful — it may be the first thing you’re inclined to do. Try to suppress this reaction. Be thoughtful. Imagine your response said aloud before you say it. If you don’t have to respond immediately, don’t.

17. Stop agreeing to do things that you know you’ll never actually do. It doesn’t help anyone. To a certain extent, it’s a social norm to be granted a ‘free pass’ when you don’t do something for someone that you said you were going to do. People notice when you don’t follow through, though, especially if it’s above 50% of the time.

18. Stop ‘buying’ things you know you’ll throw away. Invest in friendships that aren’t parasitic. Spend your time on things that aren’t distractions. Put your stock in fleeting opportunity. Focus on the important.

19. Stop being afraid.

CREDIT: BURIED LIFE.

THIS IS GOOD. FOR ME N FOR U =)

WISH LIST

this post will be updated/edited regularly; since my wishes tend to change? kekke

have some in ourbucket.comthingy.. but that one, have time line..

sooo, this one just general wish list, that can be edited..

as when i'm older, become matured n wiser (pray for that) n i can see back how useful/weird/not useful my wishes are.

these are copies from my twitter;

1.  i want to feel/know what it's like to fall in love in late 20s n 30s.. is it d same? or u're just knew he is d one?

basically, since i am in r/ship since 2006, so in my late teens and 20s, it always, has been the same guys. the feeling changes everyday, some day it;s too good to be lovers, some day, i just wish i am single and free.   SO i just curious how the r/ship will b in 30s or late 20s where i assume most of us are matured/wiser enough at that time... or is it we still a child/childish personality in front the person we love.

2. swimming wearing bikini @ naked at beach..(hahaha wish i have private beach..but i reaaly really wanna try this)

maybe this wish cant be fulfill,, since it;s aurah etc etc, but deep down... i'm bad like that.. yes blame the TV show,.. but i always wanna do this, feel this , u know like others too.well honey, maybe we can built  a pool just for us, and high fence so no one can see us swimming =)

3. color my hair burgundy;;; straighten my hair..(will do bila da yakin. skrg tgh was was dgn hukum..)

well the (...) explains it all.

4. tattoo. butterfly at right medial right  n cupid at hip bone..and pierce my belly button.. (THIS WONT B FULFILLED)

well, it's haram. but i just think tattoo and piercing and weird place is hot and sexy and steamy and etc etc as long its not done by malays. kekkee. it;s a turn off, for me;really when a malay do it. idk why.

5.kissing in the rain. have a jacket on top of my head, walking together (OK TYSM DAWSON FOR THIS WISH; ur influence......is too much)

nothing.. i just think it;s romantic, and sweet and loveable and dreams and HAH! i blame you dawson's creek for making me want this!!

OK THAT'S ALL. 

tq!

D4

still tk habis kemas nota..

I  MISS U, by pyc 1st episode todaaay; am already finish streaming it =)

anywaysss

today mission; up till 9:51pm:

aloe                           (/)
tea                            (/)  1.6L (will make another 400mL after post this)
2 shakes                    (/)
plain water                 (/) ; current volume: 1.85L (still long days, i can drink another 150mL

lunch:                       GEMOK! set at noodle station: fries & 6 i mean SIX smoky bbq chicken wings.. n i finish it by myself.. coleslaw (didnt count coz didnt eat it) + ice peach tea   rm17
snek di malam hari:   currently NONE yet


shake today: mix choc + tropical fruit both for bfast n dinner; so that i can hide the banana taste.. N it's yummier =)

bye.tc. gonna tidy up my notes

D3

well, resort back all yr3 n yr 4 notes~ phew... still lots i need to sort;


today mission; up till 11.01pm:

aloe                           (/)
tea   2L                     (/)
2 shakes                    (/)
plain water                 (/) ; current volume: 1.95L

lunch:                       bihun soto (yummy, 1st time try kat tempat baru)   rm4
snek di malam hari:   roti light weigh whole meal gardenia? 1 keping cicah mushroom soup (tq orang belanja)


*still dislike tropical fruit flavour
*harini tk rasa lapar,maybe sebab bangun lambat so breakfast shake lambat, lunch pn lambat.

p/s: jom stadi prepare utk next posting; SURGERY  =)

3 things.

ONE

yesterday,
during dinner; tropical fruit flavour.....i dont like it, at all.... it smells and tastes like banana; and i hate , well do not admire banana.....

and at 10.30 pm... i feel hungry.. maybe becaus i didnt lunch yesterday....??
so i end up eating junk food aka keropok & 1 gardenia muffin....

cry T.T

i need to buy fruits to munch on as healthy snacks...


TWO

D2.
start with aloe; after discuss with angah, i decided to drink bout 100 +-50 mlm water with aloe, so that i can drink it faster even though it'll be more concentrated..

drink tea is awesome, i like it hot/warm- easy for me to drink & it taste like green tea

shake; made breakfast with tropical fruit. since am not breakfast person... decided to drink tropical fruit only for breakfast... the yummy chocolate is only for dinner =)

plain water; awesome, i always love it, drink a lot, LIKE A LOT. hehe

(edited since i can write what i eat/drink)

aloe                           (/)
tea                             (/) ; 1.6L only
1 shakes                    (/) ; during breakfast only
plain water                  (/) ; 2.2L

lunch:                        biskut famos amous 3 ketul  (orang bagi),  bihun goreng + telur mata (rm2); buah jambu potong (rm1); satu sudu pasembor; satu   mangkuk ABC (orang belanja)

snek di malam hari:   sushi (rm5), keropok roller coaster perisa cheese 1/4 paket... (naseb tk sedap)

p/s haha gila fail program diet!

THREE

alhamdulillah.. alhamdulillah
result for paeds final posting is out; lulus. PASS. alhamdulillah =)

so now focus on surgery;
n revise for PRO exam.

=)

D1

so, today is D1 for eating healthy lifestyle....hopefully it ends well n i manage to follow tru.

this blog will be like my, diary food like? hehehe

so..

last night..

estimated weight:65kg
estimated height:159cm

measurement:
chest: 36.5 inch
waist: 33 inch
hip: 41.5 inch
left arm: 11 inch
left thigh: 26.5 inch
left shin: 15.5 inch

will update measurement each week..

so currently am drinking the tea.. it's tasteless...kinda weird...

the aloe is so sour omg i cant swallow it..

T.T dont know how long i can stand this.

kyaaa~ after finishing tea..should drink the shake.. make it choc flavour today =)

(edited since i can write what i eat/drink)

aloe                           (/)
tea                             (/) ; 2L
2 shakes                    (/) ;
plain water                  (/) ; 2L

lunch:                        1 muffin gardenia (malas nk keluar beli food)

snek di malam hari:    keropok mister potato perisa tomato; 1 muffin gardenia~

p/s haha gila fail program diet!

bye!

everything is so fucked up.

the x-large size defines how i feel in this moment.

Theory Examination

iam so done T.T

mcq- only able to answer 43 out of 75...

oba- idk what to say bout this.. T.T

pmp- dengue fever n SLE.. but i dont read this topic..at all..i'm using 2 hours by answering based on my 3rd yr knowledge....


today- no exam day.. need to study...but i end up sleep last night...please..not today..i need to study...

tomorrow- clinical... 1 long case, 2 shortcase.. i pray for a specialist that can bare with my mistakes... pray for cooperative patient who can tell proper history... n cooperative kids for the shortcase..

i dont want to fail.. not now..

Posting Paeds Final exam

7 minggu da berlalu..

tktau apa benda yg aku wat dlm 7 minggu ni...

huahuahua

exam theory isnin ni

exam clinical rabu ni.

goodluck diri! usaha & tawakal

HAIP

jangan la baca,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

please........

tq for coming back safe =) <3 p="p">

D6.

i miss u.still.

i forgot how many days u,re gone already.
all i know is it's too long.

i miss you, always
i love u, forever.

come back soon, come back safe.

D5

miserable. and i miss u. so bad. need u now. T.T holding back my tears right now..

D3 & D4

last night, internet connection was bad...

last night, sunday.
lunch at sushi king, eat yummy miso ramen...
dinner at kenny's with lil sis..

end up, being at room at night badly missin you..

today, is monday..
busy day , but as always too lazy to go to hospital..
i end up going after 11am, which is after class... because i need to present case tomorrow afternoon..

tonite is no dinner nite..since i feel i am fat..too fat..

already bank in rm674...waiting for things to arrive and change myself...

really really wish the money worth it..

because i sacrifices my desires to shop for this...

btw, i still miss you today,.
another 8 days without u,
come back, come back safe

i love u, i miss u dearly.

Day 2

day 2 since i cant contact u, u're in jungle.

today is saturday.
i feel fine. a lot compared to yesterday.
my day today is full.

breakfast mcD with J, going out at noon with NA.
bought few things, i.e using scholar money...my wallet now is empty...

bag, a handbag for my lil sis's convocation day. since i cant personally be there..
a brown leather bag, by Jacques Lafleur

then a book for myself...will read it tonite..

"i'm not the girl men choose. i'm the girl who's charming and funny and then drives home alone wondering what she did wrong.i'm the girl who hides who she really is..."

that synopsis..bought me thus making this book mine..

when out with N on the evening.. bought gifts for J and A's birthday.. some shorts...

making myself busy, does help me to reduce my feeling for you..at least i know i am missing you, some moments i think about you, but my life still go on..

i miss you, i miss you so. please come back, come back safe my dear.

will read novel now. night.

Day 1

Day 1 where i cant contact you,
you're not here, and i am miserable.
all the problems.. i know i dont tell you much, but always, always at the end of the day, when you sent me a message or call me, everything will be just fine.

and now, i cant contact you,
and i know, everything is not fine..
how i wish u never join this field trip..

i miss you, i miss you.

when i am in trouble, i miss you more.

and now, i miss you badly, while crying over problems and feeling of missing you.

come back soon, come back safe..

this is me today, after full-hearted crying over someone that used to be a dear friend.

dear self; be strong. in 10 years time, they're nothing but names that you will forget and memories that'll fade away. let's never meet again, you and them, ever.


be strong. they aint worth the tears, not after today, this second.

life

i need drama in my life.

currently;

study sucks
love sucks
i am sucks

YOU

You still have my heart

Always

Your voice still makes me shivers

Still

Your smile still makes me smiles

Still

Everything about you haunts me

Till today

You are one thing I chose not to let go

Because seeing you from faraway

Is one of greatest thing I do

Is one of sacrifices that I do

Is one of love that is unspoken

I don’t dream to own you

Never

I don’t dream to know you deep down

Never

I don’t dream to be the one that have your heart

Never

But I still want to be there

Be loveable and tender to you

Because you potray him

The one that I always wanted.

The one that I never have

The one that always make me cry

The one that even I’ve try will never notice me

The one that overcomes the imperfection of him…..

5th year posting

hukhuk

sbb da masuk final year ni, kena la rajin rajin mencatat blog (ye ke?) sbb nanti da keja boleh la menjenguk balik, baca, apa la yg ak mengarut time muda muda. ye la, tk reti nk tulis diari bagai, so taip je la..

so 1st posting utk final year ni; paeds. huhu spnjg 3rd yr, tk menggemari pn, tkde stadi sgt sbb mmg jarang org fail. lecturers baik sgt. exam SC pn dlm smua posting clinical ni, mmg paeds la plg tggi. huhu. tp leceh sikit time kelas, nk check2 la, time exam la. dpt budak besar ok a. budak kecik habis nanges. so mak dia pn tk sedap nk jwb pnjg pnjg. so kena la bawak mainan. ingt lg time 3rd yr ada spongebob pya pin kt whitecoard, bola elastik kuar warna n henpon pasar mlm ble men tekan2 kuar bunyi n juga rattle utk baby. huhu mcm 5th yr kena tmbah beli alat nk tau thp IQ budak je... duit lg. ades... nnti ye pkir..

harap2 tkde la prosedur nk kena buat? sbb tgok HO nk amek blood, psg branula bdak kecik mcm susah, budak2 nangis. kang students wat, 2 3 kali tk jadi, phobia la plak budak n mak ayah budak. habes doktor betul nk buat da tk bg. hukhuk..

tengokla mcm mana. akan berusaha utk tidak fail? insyaALLAH.

finale year harus lg cekal.. kalau fail 2 posting kena repeat yr.. owh tk sggup..

skrg pn umur 25 grad, insyaALLAH..kalau repeat umur 26 grad? tuanya, bila nk keja nk kawen nk dpt anak nk smbng stadi segala? huhuhu

wahai diri, sila jgn bermalas malasan. stadi biar betol2, so cuti enjoy =)

hello journal

made a decision to stick on this blog, remain anonymous.

thus deleting my LJ acc.

lastly,

final year of mbbs, insyaAllah. toward a better future, a better me. Ameen

to myself, 

       THIS ROAD MAY NOT BE THE BEST, 
            BUT YOU CAN LIVE IT AND MAKE IT YOUR BEST!  

    insyaAllah

24

lucky 24.

lucky 24.

am officially 24 years old.

another year, insyaAllah before i am a doctor, graduating from MBBS.

another year as a single woman, i guess?

i've been thinking about marriage, indeed. no pressure, but just because people close to me soon to be/ are married,
and i am/was their bridemaids,,,

so positively, i do think i am ready for marriage, in a way ready to be a wife and share my life and my future with my ONE.

but not so positively, i dont think he is ready? ready as i mean a good or what i think a husband to be should act or have?

hmmm it's so hard when i am the mature one.. =(

plan!

this year, 1 august 2012 i am 24 years old. alhamdullilah

i made some plans.

alhamdullilah, i'll enter final year of mbbs.. and insyaAllah graduate with title doctor in 2013..

my plans, before i reach my 25 years old:-

1. every posting, study hard, dont fail! i dont want to do remedial or repeat the year.

2. already email rai, asking to start on herbalife. i want to get slim and healthy; i.e reduce weight but still maintain my BMI. currently my weight is 65 kg. i will use herbalife max for 3 months, get back my early weight i.e 50 kg... after that, i should stop using herbalife n just lead a healthy lifestyle to maintain my weight..

that's all =)

just finish ENT exam

phewwww~

just finish viva ENT.

monday got CPR exam..
tuesday got Dermato exam,,


what a life

life

i envy her,
because i want u.

u, the one who is sweet.

u, the one that captured my heart.

u, the one that is so unreachable.

u, the one that make me smile.

your eyes, ensure, i'll be just fine.

your smiles, soothes my feeling.

you, i want to make you mine.

and i am yours.

but now, for her,

i wish the best.

because owning you, having you,

would be the best thing a girl could dream of,

whoever she maybe,

please be happy dearie.

i am, forever willingly yours..

mysterious man

he stole my heart

he makes me smile, always

he makes me strong, to do what i need to do

he makes me dreams bigger

he makes me want to achieve everything, success in everything,

so that i can be with him,

even as close as a doctor and a patient,

even as close as a unknown man and unknown woman,

even as close as me looking at him at screen,

finding the chances, to meet the real him, sooner 

for second time.

i cherish you

i cherish this feeling

i want this to last long.

=)