love you

my dearest ask me to update this blog of mine;

so dearest.

i looveee uuuuu. marrrry meeeeeeee pleash.

p/s currently internet is sooooo slow T.T

need to find way to overcome this

this is for you, who i wish may/may not be my boyfriend coz us=future no longer bright for me

everyday i need to trust myself that this is the right decision,

and

i need to tell myself that this is worth it.

but is it really worth it??

you, yourself didn't show/prove that you are that man worth fighting for, worth waiting for, worth marrying for.

how can i convince myself then??

face reality

5 more days

inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale

i'm afraid to know the result since i'm a bit sure,like 60% sure i failed the exam..

but still i have this tiny hope that maybe just maybe i pass the exam,

it's not the failure or the word fail that i'm afraid of, coz in life we cant expect to have a pass all the time.

but the challenge to except the fact that i failed... if i fail

and the sanity of brain and emotion that i need to bare

from others, families and myself

coz i never once in my life fail,

my lowest moment is when i got rejected from studying in oversea

my lowest grade would be a b. never a c.

so, may God strenghten me,

ameen

this life not worth to live for

today

i am thinking to end my life

i am sorry mom and dad

i am sorry my brothers and sisters

i am sorry my dearest family

i am tired to live this life for everyone but me

but today i come to realize

i have nothing to live for myself

so today

will be the end of me

dear God

i hope u forgive me

if i take this body from the soul u have given to

i love this body

but i dont know whether i love the soul

the soul is a mess

i am sorry my body

that u get a mess soul like me

you deserve a better soul

coz for me

i am nothing.

no one will realise i am gone

coz i am nothing

dawson's creek

i love em

i love him

n

i love this

andie (season 2) : ‎"Because in the end, you always go back to the people that were there in the beginning."

dawson (season 6): Because in some unearthly way... it's always gonna be you and me.

joey: Soul mates

dawson: What we have goes beyond friendship, beyond lovers. It's forever.

joey: Yes, it is. I love you, Dawson.

Dawson: I love you, too, Joey.

future

i know this will be my future

i know i am whining

but once

this once

can i say how tired i am?

i dont want to be a doctor.

i dont think i can live my whole life like this.

i just cant.

syukur

syukur, syukur, syukur

alhamdullilah

masih sihat

masih ada rezeki

masih bernafas

masih ada perasaan

masih ada rasa sayang

masih ada keluarga

masih berdiri tegak

masih waras

yang penting sekali

masih beribadat

masih Islam.

semoga sentiasa bersyukur dengan nikmat Allah ini,

ameen

dear heart

dear heart,

sabar, sabar, sabar.

dear self,

bertahan, bertahan. bertahan.

sesungguhnya, dugaan dan cabaran kali ini,

untuk menentukan masa depan kamu.

jalan ini Dia pilih.

baik dan buruk, telah ditentukan.

dear heart,

berusaha, berusaha, berusaha.

sabar, sabar, sabar.

ikhlaskan hati,

ikhlaskan diri,

it's in the gene

creativity,

why can i have them?

i mean i got my mom- who's in the art field,

and my dad- who's in the science field.

isn't a mix of these produce a genius child who is smart enough in art and science??

i mean, i cant draw- beautifully.

i cant paint- beautifully.

i cant do craft- though how much i want to do it.

why am i talentless?

so right now all i have is the science knowledge in me.

great just great. thanks dad, you leave no room for my mom.

can i be multitalented i.e in both science and art?

coz some people-or all people that i know can,

so why cant i?

even all my siblings i.e my lil sis, lil bro, big bro get the art genetic...

so why am i the only one??

me is a loner? or me just dont even try to find my ability talented me in art field??

i dont even know....

different

so today or perhaps i should use tonight...

is a bit different

start with everything goes wrong,

the presentation, the life, the food, everything is a mess.

the day, and even the night.

i dont even know what happened with me,

these fews days, everything that these certain people do irritate me.

and the number of these people keep adding up each day,

god i hate me for being such girly blamy but seriously,

it irritate me so much that i need to hold my tounge from sayin words that could hurt others.

and him.

he is the only thing that balance my life, right now.

thank god i have him

without him, i know i'll go crazy.

tiredness

am too tired

legs to sick, stiff, numb

brain unable to think

will lay in bed forever like this

but

am need to take bath

and

study

am too tired...

22/12/09

Today,

Gloom as the other days

The sky rain, as if

my heart crying out loud

These tears of mine want

to go out, pouring like

rain,

but.

like always, I will

denied it.

22/12/09

9.54 pm

answer

is it yes or no?

give me an answer.

coz i need you to,

to ensure i dont get lose.

p/s: baby, i miss you a lot, why dont u contact me?

because i love you that much

because i need you that much

i hurt me

i hurt you

and

i am not strong enough

to let you go

i love him

huahuahua

pagi pagi da mengong

sja gatal gila nk post

slalu cm emo ja

so bila this time da rs cm angau,

nk la jg postkn ke-angauan itu

.

.

.

.

he makes me smile

just this

.

.

.

.

and he makes me loves

.

.

.

oho, next time bila cm rs tk syg, sila wat vid call oke?

coz i always oke je nk wat vid call

heeeeee

long distance relationship yg mcm naek kapal dlm lautan berombak-ombak,

tp sebab syg, redah je ombak ombak tu.

nnti da tk syg, nk terjun laut, berenang ke darat smula la.

huhuhu

tp jgn risau,

ttp je syg, cuma kdg2 ada up and down.

sbb sy memg mengada, sntiasa plu di upkn prasaan syg itu

huahuahua

if tk, sy rembat je mamat laen.

heeee

nope, u're still d one.

kahwin

tetiba rasa nk tulis psl topik ni.
huh,
kontroversi betul.

bila tkde boyfren,
org sebuk tya bila nk ada boyfren?
bila ada boyfren,
org sebuk tya bila nk tunang?
bila da tunang,
org sebuk tya bila nk kawen?
bila da kawen,
org sebuk tya bila nk dpt anak...

ok, thank u, thank u.
sy tau anda begitu sebuk nk tau,
tp seriously,
annoying ok.

tya mcm ble ja tuan diri bgtau jawapn..
oh, sy esok kawen la
then lusa dpt anak..

common sense la
mmg la common sense stiap human being ni lain2,
tp benda mcm ni pon nk tya2.

agk agk org yg tya tu either dia nk org tya dia balek kot..

oh ni sy jawab

oh tk tau lg la nk kawen bila.
mmg la sy da kapel lama dgn dia,
mmg la dia da bg cincin dkt sy,
mmg la da jumpa family,
tp awak nk tau jg ke plan hidup sy n dia yg mmg tk melibatkn awak??

mmg la sy nk kawen oke,
sapa yg tknk kawen,
tmbh tmbh bila da ada calon,
tp awak tk rasa ke sy ada life goals yg lg penting dr kawen??

ye la, myb awak punya life goal nk kawen kan,
tp sy pya life goals byk oke.
mksudnya, kawen tu sy letak belakang2.

sy nk kerja, sy nk ade $, sy nk tolong family, adek bradek,
sy nk wat amal jariah, sy nk join human right programme,
sy nk smbung stadi, sy nk pegi oversea,
dan bermcm mcm lg yg sy da plan.

then awak ckp, ala lepas kawen ble jg wat smua life goals sy tu.

ye sy tau, sy pkir jg oke.
tp dr mghabeskn duit mk bpk nk wat knduri sy,
baek sy gna duet sndiri ntok knduri sy.

dr sy n suami sy kna bjimat crmat bila kawen time stadi,
baek kitorg kawen time da kerja di mana pndaptn da tetap.

awak ingt nk tgok yg positif je?
sy timbang ke dua dua nya.

awak ingt nk kawen, then hidup bahagia slama lamanya?

sy kna fikir all the possibilities,
be it the worst things.

sy memg tk mcm awak
ohw sy tau awak ckp sy tk mcm pmpuan laen
ye sy tau sy tak.

n sy bsyukur sy tak.
awak tk tau btapa sy annoyed dgn kwn2 time sek bila diorg ckp psl kawen
sbb ms tu sy pkir psl if cerai??? if husband mati??

awak tktau btapa sy menanges bpkir,
patutkah sy ubah life plan sy smata2 ada seorg lelaki meng-intrude dlm hidup sy.

dn jawapn sy tidak.
ye,
sy selfish.
mmg sya akui.
tp ini selfish ntok sy.

diri sy,
n tkde kena mengena dgn kamu oke.

kamu nk kawen nnti, jmputla sy.
psl sya tkpyh tya,
kalau ada knduri sy jemput la.

sy tk mati pon kalau tk dpt kawen.
so tk pyh risau,
mcm sy ckp,
kawen tu bukan priority sy skrg.

sekian.
tq.

kerisauan yg amat

di bumi sana,
saya punya kawan, teman dan sahabat karib.
mereka sedang berjuang,
bersyahid di bumi Allah,
demi ilmu sedikit cuma.

ilmu yang akan digunakan,
membantu umat manusia.

tapi, keadaan di bumi sana,
sangat merisaukan saya,
keluarga, dan para teman.
semoga semuanya selamat.
semoga semuanya terpelihara.
semoga semuanya sejahtera.

saya tidak sanggup kehilangan mereka.
saya tidak mahu kehilangan dia.
dia teman sejati
dan
saya perlukan dia.

jangan ambil dia lagi,
beri saya dan dia dan keluarga sedikit lagi waktu.

saya masih perlukan dia,
walau saya tahu ada yang lebih menyayangi,
tapi,,
saya tidak mahu kehilangan dia.

tidak mahu menangisi nasib yang tidak lagi pasti.
tapi,
air mata tetap mengalir...

egypt..
walau banyak umat di sana,
orang yang saya risau hanya sekelumit.
oh..
betapa pentingnya diri ini..
tapi..
di saat ini,
itu yang ku pinta.

it's d truth, yet it's hurt me, u n all of us.

Have I ever told you this.

After a probation period of a few months in 2003, we, the team members, finished our first task with ease
In 2004, we were the employee of the month, with countless top results, but we couldn’t feel content with just that
We were unable to contain ourselves and we started wanting more.

2005, we embarked into the overseas market, we thought everything would go smoothly like it had in Korea.
On our first attempt, we had the worst results possible and that was when my confidence started to drop.

A language we couldn’t even speak
Every day we’d be at our lodgings or the office
An imprisonment that they claimed wasn’t an imprisonment, saying it was for our own good

An excessive amount of solitude, tears and rage
These were what made us one
Saying that we couldn’t part ways no matter what happened
Saying that we should always be together
Saying that we should resemble each other’s good points
We said these things in our hearts and kept running

One day, we finally reached that top position we had so earnestly wanted
We each took our phones and contacted our families and friends.

That day had finally arrived.
From then on, everything started to go so well.

Records selling hundreds of thousands, winning every award out there and harvesting the fruits of our labor.
It felt like even when we cried, those tears dropped softly

The reason we were happier than any joy or sorrow
We, who never gave up and ran till the end
The reason we were stronger than anything else, was because we were one

You have already changed. (I can’t stay in that spot forever)
I’ll be the first to turn my back on you. (I can’t be shedding tears forever)
I’ll call out your name, though you keep going so far away (Fly me high into that sky)

We had been running for quite some time.
When we were surrounded by an unexpected, big wall
And the thought, ‘Has it always been this dark’ stayed in my head for a long time.

Once, this happened.
With the ever growing business expenses, and the increasing debts
The situation became something I could no longer handle on my own

Our CEO had once said these words to us
Tell me whenever you need something. Because we will always be family to each other.

Tell me whenever you need something.
Remembering those words, I took the courage to call him and ask him a favor.

Though I had this strange feeling inside of me, he was the only person I could rely on back then.
Because we were a family who would stay together forever.

Though I built up the courage to ask him a favor, all I received was a cold refusal.
His words made me so mad, but I contained myself and asked him once more to help me out.

He hung up on me.

I couldn’t stop the tears streaming down my face.
I couldn’t think straight because he wasn’t the family I had always believed he was till then.

When he needed us, we were family to him. When we needed him, we were strangers.

More amazing things happened as more time passed.
Hearing that we had finally struck gold overseas and brought in results so unimaginably astronomical,
I walked into the office with a spring in my step to receive my pay.

Our team members were looking at each other with excited gazes.
We complimented each other on how hard we had worked.

But the statement of accounts we received said we were at a deficit
I thought I had seen the figures wrong so I checked again
Everything was listed under expenses
Damn it, how could all that money have gone towards paying expenses.
What kind of expenses were there to make that much money vanish?

I couldn’t believe my eyes so I asked them to show me the detailed statement of accounts that I had never seen before.
They told me they would show it to me, but I ended up never seeing those few sheets of paper as all I did was work.

The amount of questions I had grew the more time passed.
The headaches grew the more our team members got together and thought about it.

If I was to say just one last thing
Are the things we do for the company
Really and truly things that are for the company?

Sure, let’s say they were. We, the kind souls, will let that one slide.
We will forget it, for the company, and for us, who have been together for so many years.
But that isn’t right, those aren’t things you should be saying to us.

Were you seriously planning on disappointing us till the very end?
When you called, all you did was talk about our team members behind each other’s back, it was so hard to trust you.

This is exactly like what our seniors said. Did you want to keep the ones who’d still willingly make money for you?
A senior told me that the family the company always talked about, would make it hard for us to survive if we left the company
Those words refuse to leave my mind

Though I have so much more to say,
I can’t because I feel so frustrated at the thought that someone will torment us more when this song is released.

Anyway, though life is hard, we are working hard and doing well.
We are trying to really smile though we continue to be tormented by someone.

This effort of ours is not the effort of a mere product.
It is the effort that is driven by the thought
That we want to die with no regrets when we leave this earth.

-Commentary by Yoochun-

Yes, in the end, it’s JYJ.

Yesterday and tomorrow, though I’ve thought about it all day long
I can truly feel the difference between then and now at 25, my age

I will now put this pen down.
But my heart it at ease right now.

Because I am able to feel the love of our fans……
I’m thinking of sharing the load I have kept in my heart all this time.
Though nothing is ever easy, my heart is at ease.
I’m happy because we have our fans for our family,
I’m always thinking of you all……
I love you.

So could you believe in us till the end.
Could you tell us that you love us.
We’ll work hard till forever, so could you stay by our side.

Because we still have you
And you still have us

I promise, that I’ll show you everything eventually.
Yes, we are JYJ.

“You have raised the palace walls and firmly closed the door
They say that love is not imprisonment
Love is letting go to fly freely
But I don’t even expect that much
For we, who you made, are not even worth half of half of half of that.
We are nothing but eternal frogs living in a well.”
(Excerpt from the musical ‘Mozart!’)

Though I still have so much to say
I will end it here.

Source: [DC Gall]
Translation credits: jeeelim5@tohosomnia.net
Shared by: tohosomnia.net
Do not remove/add on any credits

and i seriously didnt know which to choose
all i know, i need all 5 of u.
n i'm going to stick to that.
coz u're my drugs to this world that i hate much.
be strong bb
i got ur back.
we got ur back. always.

patient

this is me.

how long can i wait?
how long can i bare this?
i dont even know.

seriously, if this is the-so-called love, get me outta here.
this is definitely not love, as it more toward making one soul suffered.

i dont even know how come there's this stupid person that i love, well if this is called love.
but then again, myb i am that stupid to able to choose this person..

....
....
....

forgive me if i hurt u by sayin all of this,
but seriously,
if i have one choice, if i can go back all over again,
u are definitely not my cup of tea.

coz i know i deserve better,
or maybe,
it is you who deserve better.

for now,
mistakes had been done,
hearts already broken,
words were spoken.

i give time, for me to heal.
for u to realise.
or else,
i end up throwin all of this.

coz no matter what,
i know i still love u.
but my feelin, n my heart, n my brain
all of them are too precious just to be hurt
by u or by their master.

GREEN

THIS IS HOW I FEEL TODAY

and that only, juz only because picture of...




and of coz more of that pics.

sigh, stop it myself.will ya?

Be a better me

To be a good human being is to have a kind of openness to the world, an ability to trust uncertain things beyond your own control, that can lead you to be shattered in very extreme circumstances for which you were not to blame. That says something very important about the condition of the ethical life: that it is based on a trust in the uncertain and on a willingness to be exposed; it’s based on being more like a plant than like a jewel, something rather fragile, but whose very particular beauty is inseparable from that fragility.

- Martha Nussbaum -

d.e.l.e.t.e

due to maybe, juz maybe some1 that i know end up findings this blog of mine,
thus i deleted all writings, poems, heartfeelings that may or may not making some people confuse with me, well, not a suprise though coz i'm always confuse with myself too.