tagging

tomorrow is the day.



















tagging will start.
as MO





















and i am nervous.
anxious
depressed
mix feelings
















somebody...









help me....

new life is misery

11 months working in health clinic in district region.




and i cannot bare it anymore.


how much i love working in health clinic.
how much i adore giving health campaign and talk.





but still i felt it is not enough

i think  i want more


and with all political working issue, i decided to go back to hospital.
















after 2 weeks here in tertiary center in new department.








i feel so hopeless..
so helpless.
i want to die.












i regret everything.




waking up is nightmare.
i got early morning wake up and unable to sleep


i has tremor before go to work.




























i feel like this is the end.
my end.
and i have no one to help me.





i am alone.
all alone.















someone.
somebody.
help me.
i am living in misery.

Lovelife

sorry.








u ask the questions many times already.



and i repeatedly saying no, finding excuses.














sorry.

i dont even know why.


i am comfortable with u.

comfortable.






but i dont know u are the one or not.







i am not sure.
i am not ready for next step.

i need to be sure you are the one before saying yes to next step.







i cannot convinced myself right now.












sorry.





sorry.






putting all the blame, excuses, directed towards you.
while it's me all along.










i dont even know what is wrong with me.






28 years old, engaged for 2 years +
and still saying no, not sure for next step.













sorry.



sorry.






my future, all black, i cannot see light.


no light at the end of the tunnel.












how can i say yes when i cannot see it.











sorry.

Random rant

Life as a doctor when your family is not from medical based.
Life as a doctor when your boyfriend is not from medical based.



I have this tendency to hid inside my shell, block out others from my life and become a single life which no one seems to understand.
I dont know why but it seems like my own space, personal space that I wont allow others to come. It has a door which only me holding the key.





I rarely told my family what happened i my life, work place. As I dont feel the need to tell them, because I dont think at the end they will understand.

I did the same with my boyfriend (read: fiancée). I block him out of my working place. I dont feel comfortable telling him everything that happened in my life, my work place whether it's good or it's bad or it's sad.

Mainly because I wont to avoid question. But deep down I feel he wont undestamd and I dont want him to understand. I hate lots of question from him, even I know he has good intention

I am selfish, I know.





But my work life is a part of me that I dont want people close to me to see.



It is bad? Even I dont understand myself..

2 years of HO- ship

2 years; meaningful as a houseman in a government hospital in Penang.

Try ingat balik since Day 1.

So, daftar di JKN Penang. Greet session. Some explanation given.

Then by noon all of us go to the selected hospital.

My group ; 7 of us if not mistaken: me, Nor, Farah, Walter, Sarah, Anis, Lynn. We both go meet the pengarah hospital then some introduction, filling form session with Kak Yan and Kak Su (these 2 officers were so nice and sangat sangat helpful through out 2 years as HO).

Session aku janji and all sort of form HRMIS bla bla (which till nowadays I still blur).
Thing I regret most: give not a nice picture of me for the HRMIS system and the picture remain forever till now....................... I can see it when I go online in HRMIS system. Nanges...


Should give a better picture!

Then pembahagian posting (of course based on available posting) given by Kak Su.
Me + Nor = medical
Walter + Lynn = Ortho
Farah + Anis + Sarah =  O&G

Hence the day begin as Houseman.

And Alhamdullilah, I work as Houseman 2 years pass all exam, with no extension, no MCs

My rotation:

Medical  --- Ortho ----- Paeds ---- O&G ------ Surgical ----- A&E

Houseman life is a period where you work till you are so damn tired and your mind wont work anymore.
You go to hospital each day when the skies is dark and you go back home the skies is dark also.

if you live nearby your family then lucky you.

if you live far from home, like me, then you should have good support system (read: friends) and high confident level (read:no matter what you do, dont show your weakness in front of others. Face it all, go back home have a good bath, cry and sleep. Tomorrow is a different day)



circle of friends that you have during your housemanship will help you so much as if you are really really close (read: before exam, study together, free time, go out together, different posting, still go out together) later in life.


why?


because later when you got your placement as MO somewhere district, faaaaar away from home, working with strangers (read: like me) then you know, you have your circle of friend to ask for help.


it's different from high school friends ; as not all of us became doctors, and in age of 20s, we know we are drifting apart.

it's different from uni friends; as not all of us still having close conversation as we have to.


it's HO-ship friends; those you love and hate, those who know when to back up you, when to tikam you, those who see you not enough sleep because so J oncall, those who anytime ask you to go makan, you said ok because both of you are starving.







thank you my HO-ship friends.
too many name to pronounce. every one play a special character in my life.




kean hwa, farah, jeremy, jacinta, mooham, sarah R, sarah A, teh wei bin, bao ling, fayadh, atiqah, nor, hanis, ainee, shahadah, danoosha, puva, marcus, steven, TTX, dalila, wan teng, dinesh, hari, wei leng, miriam, pau yee, yap yi wei, sandya, siraaj, khalis, nazrin, lynn, patrick, lim xin ying, wong lee keng, awi, ezwan, jivetha, priya, tan shin wei, nad, sandra, hana, puteri, mahuzah, wong fu chong, lim SX, adila, lau peng hong, min, aina, shida




i will edit the name bit by bit. so many names. so precious memories.

Back for good, I hope.

3 years!


3 years!!


Finally able to retrieve my password and old email; thus this blog!~

2 freaking years of housemanship making me busy thus explain all this quite-ness.



will be back real soon, with details of my life!