^^ memory

so...first of all, i am so yuchun bias ^^ so forgive me if everything that i can rmmber only include yuchun

and....i didnt take any pic coz i left my camera {&&%@#$@}
able to take few pics n vids with not so good handphone..

sorry if this is long???but i need to write details..in case in the next 50 years,i' able to read this n proudly said, i love them n been to their performances

so..let d journey begin:

before the showcase:

well, after having some trouble deciding which tix to buy, [i want VIP but my boyfren said no!!, i'm so not going to stand, so no to moshpit, so i thought, i should but either the rm250 or rm200 tix]

so, here the theory: rm250 tix..i'll b at d center,numbered seat, can view all 3 of them.. rm200...free seated..so i need to come early...but i can choose to stay at the right side [coz chunnie always at the right stage], get a better view of chunnie.so..i bought rm200 tix

since i dont want to wait to buy tix online, i asked my junior to buy it for me~

1 day b4 d showcase, i went shop red shirt/blouse n new jeans.make yuchun sign wit my bestfren-who-hate-korean n hallyu waves-me-is-so-proud-of-her-for doing this-

i want to show d sign, but it not in a good shape.basically,i buy a fan (uchiwa),cut box into 2 round shape, stix some black A4 paper, walla~mickey head is done.buy silver glittering alphabet, spell YUCHUN (Y n U is at the ear of mickey,CHUN in middle)coz i wanna make sure he can see it!~

also bought some flower thingy to throw it on stage..

so go to KL via bus, stay at my fren hostel,next morning with my boyfren, i manage to catch the train, go to KL central n go to stadium~

arrive at d stadium around 10 am, holly$%#% a lot, i mean a lot of red ppl~
a bunch there at the back gate of stadium-me thinking they'll wait for the limo wtsoever~never mind, me n my bf walk n walk...find my junior n get my tix. i also go buy few things from the booth-only buy yuchun tag-for me, jae's for my lil sis, uknow's for my lil sis fren. wanna buy the shirt/towel thingy,..but since it's not original~so i dont~

get my light stix/balloon that i already pre-ordered...n line up to buy the album~at this time, my bagpack (since i'll be going back to my uni straight after the showcase) is with my boyfren~ i line up..reach the front, but i was asked to line up again coz she saying i come from left side..i said but i line up from behind...have a lil fight there, but then my boyfren come n said, it's ok, line up once again~if u can get the album..so i end up line up again, help other cassies to buy d album too
end up ordering 4 luxury album, 1 d normal one~

i met 2 japanese girl..wearing kimono [gosh, it's hot weather,,,they must be sweating]. 1 of the jap girl carrying yuchun's bag [u know, thw choclate one..at airport where he run n run with junsu]..so i was like...eh??yuchun??pointing at the bag..she was like~hait hait..yuchun~ i was like...a....soka...then i said bye...i mean i dont really know japanese language, able to speak few n able to understand some of it...but i am mesmerized by the yuchun bag...

so, line up, said bye to my boyfren, he carrying my bagpack, he'll wait for me at shopping mall. i am below the stair...at 11 am..then some screaming when limo arrive..dont see them, laughing at others that scream...i felt like i am adult.

moving up moving up..at d stairs ppl are pushing n pushing...i go at d wall, n walk up stair...suddenly...i'm at d front...i mean...10 people in front me n voila~the stadium gate!!
we wait n wait, heard them practice twice, sing a long, i met my online fren who is in front of me...great, i have some one to seat with

after almost 3 hours waiting...[thx god i'm at d stadium gate, so not so hot..cant imagine how miserable ppl at bhind..few faints n throw up]

they let us in..finally.after the tix checking n plastig bag checking, i seat at d stadium[ it's empty, later is filled with red ocean] and said, ah i want to take pics...then i realised my bag with my boyfren..the camera in side that bag,,,

i'm so mad with myself, asking my boyfren to bring it back..but he said to many ppeople lining up..i need to come out to get the camera..but i dont want coz i already choose the best seat [did i mention the right stage tix sold out, so i got the left side n i want to cry coz i want to see yuchun so much..not junsu]..so i took a few pic with my lame handphone [i am so gonna buy new handphone after this]

as the stadium is filled with people, i am getting more excited~ see people walking down stairs at the back stage, look like jae so i said to my fren,it's jae [since she's jae biased]. yep. see 3 of them.

then the ayy girl song start..i'm waving my light stick, red ballon n yuchun's uchiwa like crazy,..scream so loud coz yuchun's at left side!!~i mean left side!!!at my side!!!
gosh he soooo perfect...so skinny...so cute, so yuchun, idk wat to say, he just him!!~i scream like mad...

hehehe suddenly i am forgeting i am 22 y.o girl,who already has boyfren n will engage wit him..n i got presentation tomorw mornin

aftr they change cloth...yuchun stay at right stage n i was like awwwww....but it's ok...i can see him!!

so he talk n talk wit serena c, explaining some to junsu n jae..
d funny thing is, serena asked a Q to junsu, junsu asnwer it..but coz cassie were screaming..d translator couldnt catch wat did he said..so serena asked yuchun to translate said it..n yuchun was smiling, his new teeth are so cute...n said...he couldnt hear it too~hehehehhe

so all the talking n well most of u noe it..but a bit sad coz ask bout malaysian girl, the adding -lah thingy,,coz it d same with last concert in mlaysia at 2007..n same MC too..
but still
yuchun's US accent still there..so me a bit proud of him.plus serena c taking pic of red ocean n post it in her twitter account

so....coz i'm waving like crazy my uchiwa n the stadium is dark!~lighten buy red glowstix n magnificent lamp thingy wit many colors at d stage,my silver word bcome clearer .i swear i see yuchun smiling n waving his handback at me [or maybe at the side i'm seating with]..so i was like waving n waving d uchiwa..
i wanna noe is it true he notice my uchiwa...so when he look at my seating side, i put down the sign,..n take it up suddenly...his smile like from this ^^ to this ^_______^ n plus he waves twice his hands
i try it like 5 times...so i'm sure he see my sign~hehehe..coz i'm d only one wit that sign

so when d showcase end..i dont want to go out.me n my frenz went upstair..go to toilet..while waiting for her, i was peeping tru the back stage..from upstair..i can see serena c coming out n smoking ...n i was like, waving to serena...but she didnt notice me..too bz smoking i guess...

n my fren come..i was like..aaaahhh..i wish she n yuchun out there..idk smoking wtsever,.coz i wanna see yuchun n throw him my gift]

so. after an 1 hour there, guard come n ask me n my frenn few cassie to get out~so we went out

that's all

it's fun
it's tiring
it's magnificent
it's better than 2007 concert for me [the sound system n venue]
the not awseome thingy is we wait longgggg n how cassies push each other when walking upstair..i mean ppl can fall!!~

that's all.
^^

re-thinking again

nope. i dont mind at all livin in this pile of works coz yes it too much god damn appealing to me

but hey wait-a-minute

just let me have a moment of me , alrite will ya?

coz i am no way living in this like the way u wanna me

at least let me choose just this one
and many more to come

u already decide which pathway n future that i must take

at least i wanna paint my own road
skip a few roads
n myb fallin into lots n lots of shitting holes

but at least i choose to do that.

n i am proud of that all.

mode: happy

smilin like a stupid person

and deep down i am way happier



dont even know why..



i am allowing myself to be a stupid person today,



i am allowing myself to think about my oh-s0-called-crush-but-wait-i'm-over-him-already



and yes, i am smiling like a stupid person.

oh yeah- i am so needing of holiday and goin back home..

coz yes i miss them two too much

this is me, rite now ---> -_____-

it's frickin 2.30 am and i am not sleepy,yes i'm not.
many thanx to large mcD fries & double cheeseburger...

ughhhhh.
stupid me, i know i am.
who ask u to decide to go drive tru at 12.30 am??
and just pass the pak gad juz like that??
time balek da kena tahan.... owh demi mcD...
lps tu bagi alasan kt guard~
though i end up arriving at my room safely round 1.30 am..
but the guilty-ness of havin to lie just to escape,caught me so bad...

yeah damn it!~
why am i need to be good when i wanna be bad.
n why am i need to be bad when i think i can be good enuff?

human, human, human,
we are part of the game that we cant understand,
yet,
we try to win it all.

and thats include me too.

rewind me back, please

few things came out, indeed making me sounded a bit pissed off.
no worries, it's all inside the game of human beings,
love it or not,
take it or leave it,
it's all yours.

new years begin, making me more n more n more
questioning with the road that i took.
it's all different now,
i cant really know how i end up being here,
nor that i can really answer will this road be a better road for me.

yes, it's not my choice, but i do live in this so not called choices of mine.
i am not regretting it, any of it.

i am just questioning it, all over again.
i guess it's same with finding the so called real u, ur personality blah blah blah

we all always question ourselves.

so, i wanna drop this topic.

next topic. OMG! in all uni in this country.. how can u end up being there?
i mean there?? with the slightest possibilities can.. u are there.

i am hoping u'll leave my man alone.
u see, i'm a kind girl, but i still can be a bitch, it's in the gene.

next;
patient honey,
patient,
it's all it takes.

step by step, yes but make sure that step is a large step~

that's all~
dearie ol' me
u're getting nicer each day
n me is not like it.

today obsessive compulsive with mr.park: miserable mr.park (since me is a bit too)

it's empty.

i am empty.

well, it's call emptiness.

indeed, my mind, heart and soul are empty.

it have been a while actually, this emptiness.

not that i'd ignore it,

but somehow, i get used to it.

like, it's me.

it's deep in me.

like i am empty.

yes, it can be in a good way,

but seriously,

how can crying and getting hurt over silly things are good?

so, empty did me bad-ly.

i wish, i just wish,

i can be somebody. but then again,

what if that somebody is not a person that i like?

then, i'll end up, wishing to be other person.

the cycle will continue.

and it's empty.

i'll go and sleep.

with this emptiness mind of me.

with hope this will go away.

with hope i'll be okay.

with hope, i'll be me, again, minus the empty.

coz i need a reminder, of how me is me,

without the emptiness.

Thank you myself, for being such a good listener to your own problems.

coz when no one else is here, i know the me inside me,

will always be here, forever.

result

so, my name is not in the list.

either i am a failure,

or i pass the exam.

oh, please be the later one.

please.

i hope.

p/s: i am soooooo mad at this particular person, helllo....

hold your tounge, yup, maybe your thoughts too!~

coz it making me going craaaaaaaazy~~

thats all...

btw, mr.park,

u look hawt as in really hawt!~

wit the iphone, the lady cardigan~

gosh...my heart flattered coz i am so liking me for having a crush for you~

a present, for this diehardfan of yours,

..

i hope u really read all the daily wishes i sent..

and the birthday card too..

it's a dream to have u actually read and think, ahh~this particular person,

but still,

i am stupid and crazy enuff to think & hope for that. =)

go n find a damn good lover for your misery life, mr.park!~

be it a girl, or even a guy.. [but i do wish you're a straight guy, if you're a bi, i still lovin' you, if you're gay, well it's not my prob]

juz go n have the fullest of your life!!~

no more cry n sweet talk mr.park~

or u end up doozing me all day,

n i'll go n married u straight away!~

[ you see mr.park, i dont really mind that u smoke, drink, have tattoos, pierce your body, sleep wit lotz of girl~ coz dat is you, and i am loving you for being you, so, yeah why not?? ]

my fav mr.park for today is: dorky mr.park

i tried to be O.K but failed.

this is too lame.
my dear me,
dearie me.
stop it can you??

ughh.. i am too tired to face this drama again.
please stop whining,
or crying,
even cursing.
you deserve better,
well not for now.

grab all that you have now, or else..
you'll end up losing it...

teary me,
aching me,
owh dear heart,
stop pounding for every lil details of your life.
stop o please stop, just stop.

i need you to stop.
so that my soul wont hurt that much.
my pride wont be thrown away.
please,
i beg you, my heart to stop.
stop and stop
he's not worth for your future,
even he seems to be now.

TQ

can time pass a lil bit more slowly?

ugghhhhh..
starting tomorrow: study week...
the next one week: final exam for this neuro/musculoskeletal block..

i am barely starts opening my books...yet.. =(
busy me busy me busy me
wish i can have more time,..
i end up spending my time doing unworthy thingy..
but heck..i like doing the unworthy thingy...

the next 2 week: study week for pro exam..
then..middle of may: first pro exam
i cant say how scared i am...
really?
nah~ i am zero...i mean empty feelings..
yes need to start study..
like-now-ish
but...

busy me busy me busy me...

why i find this job like now-ish?
aaaah~ job that really fit with my passionate feeling..
really make me go to the fullest..
yet..job that make me spends all my study time doing something else...
seriously..
i should just go
semi hiatus or maybe hiatus for a while...

oh japan!~
wait for me~
be it tokyo dome or juz another dome *need to look for price again*
wait for me~
i'll scream outloud~
i'll bring all icassies dream & tears~
wait for me =)

see~i should juz keep quiet..
till exam's over..
wishing myself best of luck~
=)

it's not the end, but a beginning

*sigh*

how i end up spending my weekend with tears, google-ing and updating myself and end up crying once again.

there u go! all my long list of plan to study ... end up being just a plan.

sorry dear myself, how depressed and sad u have been..

this weekend really feels like a long weekend.

the most shocking news..not that shocking coz deep down u already can guess it...but still..

hearing this news did tear your heart, making your world goes upside down..

and make u cry..a lot...and you dont even realize that u've been crying...up from 8pm till 2 am in the morning..

dear me...

u know how stupid urself can be...

but still...u let urself be like this...

coz deep down..crying is one way to punish yourself..

to love them very much till ur heart ache...

till u feel hard to breath..

while they dont even know u're there...

dear me...

please...keep this in mind..

no matter how much you love them..

u are not a part of their world..

since only one know exactly what happened in his own body...

believe them...keep on believing..and supporting..

each one of them...

coz at least..that what u can do...

rather than spending the nights ..

soak urself in tears..

coz u juz need to believe them..

and always keep the faith..

coz they,.remind you..how you really wish to be different,,

how hard u cn try to achieve ur dream..

and how comforting they said..

when it's ok for not being in the path that u want rite now..

as long as u try harder to achieve ur dream..

dear me, remember...that u have responsibilities too..

AKTF

catatan berzaman-before kertasnya dibuang

I am not there
every breath I take seems fake
every beat of my heart
wonder why am I here
For I won't do any least
if I dissapear
For no one will realize
if I am gone
or am I just imagine,
that I am important?

31/01/10
10.43 p.m.

EXAM END BLOCK

da 1 tahun 3 blok da dihabeskn di kuantan ni.

tinggal satu blok untuk berjumpa dgn realiti hidup sebagai seorg pelajar medic= PRO EXAM.
takut, sgt2.
sbb mana mungkin smpat ak nk cover semua yg da dipelajari setahun 3 blok lepas..
time ni jg la otak dan hati mengeluh,
patutnya awal2 lagi ko da ready..
kan da byk kali ingtkn. tp ko still nk maen2. still nk tgok movie,still nk online..

wahai diri ku, bangun la!
exam final dis blok pon tk habes stadi lg...
knapa still nak maen internet..
knapa still nk habeskn masa buat kerja tk berfaedah.

wahai diri ku, kau sedar tk markah exam kau selama ni tkde la baek sgt??
markah yg sgt2 tk stabil. kdg2 ke atas, kdg2 ke bwh.
mcm mana nk amek exam pro ni??

wahai diri ku, jgn la asyik mencari alasn, menyedapkn hati,
konon busy, konon tension,
padahal terang2 hati dan minda tau, sebenarnya itu semua alasan untuk kau tidak membuka buku.
Ya, cuma alasan.

wahai diri, tak usah la nk jeles2 dgn semua yg kerap keluar ke bandar.
kau bukan seperti itu.
kenapa makin hari diri kau makin menuju ke arah yg salah?
mana diri mu yg dahulu??
mana jannah yg sering kali belajar?
yg mengabdikan dirinya kpd benda2 berilimiah??
mana diri itu??
sudah hilang kah dr sudut hati kau???

bangun lah. sedar lah.
peluang datang sekali cuma.
berusaha untuk menjadi lebih baik.
sesungguhnya, untuk bertawakal itu, kita perlu berusaha.

tp, aku malu untuk bertawakal.
malu dgn Tuhanku.
kerana belum tinggi usahaku untuk ak bertawakal.

F.A.C.T

It is true that I fail my minitest exam,
again.

It is true that I am dissapointed with myself,
again.

It is true I just cursed soooo much that I hate this particular guy,
again.

It is true, history will be occur,
again.

It is now, I wish for a better tomorrow,
again
and
always.

=)

p/s; coz hopes make u alive

JANG GEUN SUK

go to class at 9 am, and found out that class is cancel.
no class in the evening
bla la la~

can i just like talk smthg that i want to?

yes, u can.

tq.

so, TODAY:
i have a big, i mean seriously BIG CRUSH with this korean actor n singer. well actually just his voice, his face, the way he smile lalalala~ ib other word, i just LOVE HIM.
he3
jang geun suk...
hu3~
berangan2...bila la nk kawen dgn artis~
hu3
berangan lg...
haish~~
wake up2!

p/s; ini adalh peringatan bahawa anda pernah menjadi org yg normal yg sukakn para pelakon yg kiut miut.tq

plus, ada lg ni yg sdap gila....breathless by shane wyard..da 20 kali dgar mlm ni,,still tk bosann...da siap menyanyi2 dlm jiwa~ha3
angau kt lgu ni sbb jang geun suk nampk kiutttttttttttttt sgt dlm lagu ni
wawaa~
daku angau lg..lamanyer tk angau mcm ni'
eh slh....
b4 ni dawson, chad, chase, song seung hooon,,,emm da beribu2 lagi..
yg pasti kini anda sudah masuk dlm senarai saya!

so, here from my heart 9in this moment and maybe till next month, till i found other person to have a crush on:
JANG GEUN SOK!!! I LOVE U~~~~~MUAHAHAHAHA
(bestnyer bley ckp kuat2 n org tk tau!!)
SARANG HEYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

loving me

the idea that my taste as well as my mind keep on changing is one of the most beautiful things that had happened to me.

i love the fact that i can have crush on one person and the next day i'll have a crush on other guy.

i love the fact that i can do and endure studying medicine though how much i deny this pathway that had chosen me.

i love the fact that i can have anything that i want if only i try, and brave enough.

i love the fact that i am so proud of myself that i can be anyone i want to be.

i love the fact that i am me, and not no one else.

i just love being me.
=)