So, just tonight,
Let me pour my heart out, and hopefully there'll be no regret. InsyaAllah.
How to start, I don't have words to begin with.
It just a story from my side, which I'll consider as a crush or maybe one-sided love or maybe a comfortable place to hang out it, or just maybe I am a coward to admit all of this.
A guy, an older guy, whom I really respect, adore and love ( not that kind of I-love-you-love).
Knowing him, gives me no regret. He is not a perfect human being, nor do I. But I accept his un-perfectness cause I believe that makes who he is.
A guy, who I can tell everything and I believe he won't judge me (well, I never ask him that, I just falsely hope he will never ever judge me),
A guy who sometime, I imagine to have a future with, but not quite sure what kind of future, it is always a blur for me. But the imagination, makes me feel warm inside.
He is a guy who is a social butterfly; people loves him, laugh to his jokes, listens to him and happy to be with him. He is a warm person.
And as a social person, he mingle with many type of people, thus differs from me since I always chose to be with the same circle, as always.
But he never left me alone, I mean, even sometimes we are far, yet he still able to make me feel close. When he sent simple messages, or said simple hi, or just commenting on how I look, my grade etc it just make me special, in a way making me believe I always has a special place in his heart. Like he always has a special place in my heart.
But then, as time goes, we grow apart. Not really apart in distances, just apart in relationship. He didn't message me like always, or talk to me like always. These little things,maybe I am too sensitive, but it always little things that speak the most. I believe that.
So, at first, I dont really think much. I mean, it is okay if I'm the one start messaging first, said hi first but later, I want more. Arguing with myself, why is it always me who start first? Why can't be him? And that was like i dont know 6 months - 1 year ago. So I stop. And i felt relieved. I felt, I still alive without him. So it is ok. That's when I know, he is not really as important as I think he is.
But things changed. When I first told him that I was getting engaged ( he is still a close friend, so at least he deserve to know from me directly, it's not like we stop contacting each other), he was opposed it. Merely because I was not sure whether getting engaged at that time was a good decision. We talked, well tried to talk, because most of the time, I changed subject. I was unable to really talk, pour my heart out, spoke about all of my problems, my fears.
Then he told me, a story of a person that he close with and faced same situation with me. And how that person regret her decision. So, it scared the hell out of me. I mean, yes I had my doubts, but with him, assuring my doubt was good because it showed I was not ready for the next step, scared me.
It kept me thinking, if I didnt chose this (engagement), what will I have? I have a guy, who claimed to love me and willing to spent his entire life and future with me, I can't throw it away, for some blur future.
What if I reject my boyfriend (now, fiancee), and I has no one to love me, or listen to my problem or to marry with and have child with? I felt so insecure at that time.
And he kept reminding me, all over again and I have this moment of weakness, fling, i dont know what to call it, but that moment, my heart just went empty, and my brain automatically said out loud (inside my self), if, just if you say you love me right now and want to spend your future with me, I am willing to left everything and follow you.
But deep down, I know it was only me. He never see me as a special person, that special who make his heart flutters or his hands sweat, or head spinning. I am just me, merely a friend.
So, i put away this thought, imagination, feeling of uncertainty want to be with this person (him) , who i dont even know i love (him), or i just see as escape (him), and i said yes to my boyfriend (now fiancee).
I am not regretting my decision, not a bit, just sometimes, when i messaged him (this guy, not my fiancee), i can't stop wonder, what if i chose him, what is my future?
But then, he still treat me the same, engaged or not, like a little sister that he has. Listens to my problems, entertains me, gives advises and makes jokes on how I should run away from my fiancee and go work with him somewhere far way from here.
That kind of jokes, giving me false hope of him wanting me, loving me, hoping to have me, which I know, maybe not true at all, since I am not his type, but these jokes make me warm inside.
Make me feel special.
Make me feel wanted.
Make me feel appreciated.
Make me feel that I have choices and I can choose.
The road I am taking now, maybe not the best or the brightest of them all, but I pray, and hope, that this road, the chosen road, will help me become a better human being, a wiser human being and myself.
Love,
Me.
