Phew;
walaupun sibuk menghabiskan cuti, kadang-kadang lupa juga nak update diari online ni. Huhu;
Too many things to tell, but don't know where to start;
1) 1 week+ holiday left, since I'll go to induction on 11-15 November 2013. Still waiting for my induction letter, hopefully will arrive tomorrow; i.e today since it's already 1.37 am
2) Went to KL/Selangor about last week (26-30 October 2013; spent lots of wonderful time with marvelous friends. Wish able to go again, and hoping I'll jot down the stories here one day.
3) Surveying on new phone, since mine already broken. Thinking to repair it at first, but the mobile technician? (yes, I'll call him that) said that most likely the motherboard thingy was broken, and the spare part (original one) is quite expensive, so it's better for me to buy a new one. Currently, I am thinking of Lenovo or Sony Xperia Miro (both are within my budget..since I'm short of money right now..), but then, I'll keep my choices open.. Need to buy it this week..before I go to the induction..
4) Owh did I mention I won RM555, lucky draw-competition thingy by Pos Laju; well after posting all the important-urgent-letters to MOH, MMC etc, this is a rezq for me. But sadly, I'll be using this money to buy new phone..
That's all for now. Will update soon, insyaAllah.
Love,
Me.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Friday, October 18, 2013
Wedding Wishlist
As the title mention, just because I can, and well, because I don't want to forget what I want on my happiest day =)
Need to work hard, really hard to fulfill this dream.
AKAD
- wedding dress: champagne color
- with matching veil & selendang
- I want diamond ring, a specially design one
- Red/pink roses for wedding bouquet
- Natural make up, if possible by make up artist Fynahere
- A wedding dress, tailor made, not just a rent one
- Matching shoes
- fresh flowers for the hantaran
- Family theme (for their clothes) : sky blue or soft pink or minty green
- Hires photographers and record video
- Majlis at home
- Friends theme: contradict with family, but within that 3 colors
MAJLIS
- if possible, at dewan
- tailored dress, not rented one, with matching shoes and veil and selendang
- fresh fowers
-Hires photographers and record video
- Guests signs book
HONEYMOON/SPECIAL EVENT
-at beach
-overseas
-private ceremony with close friends at beach, just to introduce us =)
That's all for now. Will update when I got the ideas
Sunday, October 13, 2013
One-sided Love/ Unrequited Love
So, just tonight,
Let me pour my heart out, and hopefully there'll be no regret. InsyaAllah.
How to start, I don't have words to begin with.
It just a story from my side, which I'll consider as a crush or maybe one-sided love or maybe a comfortable place to hang out it, or just maybe I am a coward to admit all of this.
A guy, an older guy, whom I really respect, adore and love ( not that kind of I-love-you-love).
Knowing him, gives me no regret. He is not a perfect human being, nor do I. But I accept his un-perfectness cause I believe that makes who he is.
A guy, who I can tell everything and I believe he won't judge me (well, I never ask him that, I just falsely hope he will never ever judge me),
A guy who sometime, I imagine to have a future with, but not quite sure what kind of future, it is always a blur for me. But the imagination, makes me feel warm inside.
He is a guy who is a social butterfly; people loves him, laugh to his jokes, listens to him and happy to be with him. He is a warm person.
And as a social person, he mingle with many type of people, thus differs from me since I always chose to be with the same circle, as always.
But he never left me alone, I mean, even sometimes we are far, yet he still able to make me feel close. When he sent simple messages, or said simple hi, or just commenting on how I look, my grade etc it just make me special, in a way making me believe I always has a special place in his heart. Like he always has a special place in my heart.
But then, as time goes, we grow apart. Not really apart in distances, just apart in relationship. He didn't message me like always, or talk to me like always. These little things,maybe I am too sensitive, but it always little things that speak the most. I believe that.
So, at first, I dont really think much. I mean, it is okay if I'm the one start messaging first, said hi first but later, I want more. Arguing with myself, why is it always me who start first? Why can't be him? And that was like i dont know 6 months - 1 year ago. So I stop. And i felt relieved. I felt, I still alive without him. So it is ok. That's when I know, he is not really as important as I think he is.
But things changed. When I first told him that I was getting engaged ( he is still a close friend, so at least he deserve to know from me directly, it's not like we stop contacting each other), he was opposed it. Merely because I was not sure whether getting engaged at that time was a good decision. We talked, well tried to talk, because most of the time, I changed subject. I was unable to really talk, pour my heart out, spoke about all of my problems, my fears.
Then he told me, a story of a person that he close with and faced same situation with me. And how that person regret her decision. So, it scared the hell out of me. I mean, yes I had my doubts, but with him, assuring my doubt was good because it showed I was not ready for the next step, scared me.
It kept me thinking, if I didnt chose this (engagement), what will I have? I have a guy, who claimed to love me and willing to spent his entire life and future with me, I can't throw it away, for some blur future.
What if I reject my boyfriend (now, fiancee), and I has no one to love me, or listen to my problem or to marry with and have child with? I felt so insecure at that time.
And he kept reminding me, all over again and I have this moment of weakness, fling, i dont know what to call it, but that moment, my heart just went empty, and my brain automatically said out loud (inside my self), if, just if you say you love me right now and want to spend your future with me, I am willing to left everything and follow you.
But deep down, I know it was only me. He never see me as a special person, that special who make his heart flutters or his hands sweat, or head spinning. I am just me, merely a friend.
So, i put away this thought, imagination, feeling of uncertainty want to be with this person (him) , who i dont even know i love (him), or i just see as escape (him), and i said yes to my boyfriend (now fiancee).
I am not regretting my decision, not a bit, just sometimes, when i messaged him (this guy, not my fiancee), i can't stop wonder, what if i chose him, what is my future?
But then, he still treat me the same, engaged or not, like a little sister that he has. Listens to my problems, entertains me, gives advises and makes jokes on how I should run away from my fiancee and go work with him somewhere far way from here.
That kind of jokes, giving me false hope of him wanting me, loving me, hoping to have me, which I know, maybe not true at all, since I am not his type, but these jokes make me warm inside.
Make me feel special.
Make me feel wanted.
Make me feel appreciated.
Make me feel that I have choices and I can choose.
The road I am taking now, maybe not the best or the brightest of them all, but I pray, and hope, that this road, the chosen road, will help me become a better human being, a wiser human being and myself.
Love,
Me.
Let me pour my heart out, and hopefully there'll be no regret. InsyaAllah.
How to start, I don't have words to begin with.
It just a story from my side, which I'll consider as a crush or maybe one-sided love or maybe a comfortable place to hang out it, or just maybe I am a coward to admit all of this.
A guy, an older guy, whom I really respect, adore and love ( not that kind of I-love-you-love).
Knowing him, gives me no regret. He is not a perfect human being, nor do I. But I accept his un-perfectness cause I believe that makes who he is.
A guy, who I can tell everything and I believe he won't judge me (well, I never ask him that, I just falsely hope he will never ever judge me),
A guy who sometime, I imagine to have a future with, but not quite sure what kind of future, it is always a blur for me. But the imagination, makes me feel warm inside.
He is a guy who is a social butterfly; people loves him, laugh to his jokes, listens to him and happy to be with him. He is a warm person.
And as a social person, he mingle with many type of people, thus differs from me since I always chose to be with the same circle, as always.
But he never left me alone, I mean, even sometimes we are far, yet he still able to make me feel close. When he sent simple messages, or said simple hi, or just commenting on how I look, my grade etc it just make me special, in a way making me believe I always has a special place in his heart. Like he always has a special place in my heart.
But then, as time goes, we grow apart. Not really apart in distances, just apart in relationship. He didn't message me like always, or talk to me like always. These little things,maybe I am too sensitive, but it always little things that speak the most. I believe that.
So, at first, I dont really think much. I mean, it is okay if I'm the one start messaging first, said hi first but later, I want more. Arguing with myself, why is it always me who start first? Why can't be him? And that was like i dont know 6 months - 1 year ago. So I stop. And i felt relieved. I felt, I still alive without him. So it is ok. That's when I know, he is not really as important as I think he is.
But things changed. When I first told him that I was getting engaged ( he is still a close friend, so at least he deserve to know from me directly, it's not like we stop contacting each other), he was opposed it. Merely because I was not sure whether getting engaged at that time was a good decision. We talked, well tried to talk, because most of the time, I changed subject. I was unable to really talk, pour my heart out, spoke about all of my problems, my fears.
Then he told me, a story of a person that he close with and faced same situation with me. And how that person regret her decision. So, it scared the hell out of me. I mean, yes I had my doubts, but with him, assuring my doubt was good because it showed I was not ready for the next step, scared me.
It kept me thinking, if I didnt chose this (engagement), what will I have? I have a guy, who claimed to love me and willing to spent his entire life and future with me, I can't throw it away, for some blur future.
What if I reject my boyfriend (now, fiancee), and I has no one to love me, or listen to my problem or to marry with and have child with? I felt so insecure at that time.
And he kept reminding me, all over again and I have this moment of weakness, fling, i dont know what to call it, but that moment, my heart just went empty, and my brain automatically said out loud (inside my self), if, just if you say you love me right now and want to spend your future with me, I am willing to left everything and follow you.
But deep down, I know it was only me. He never see me as a special person, that special who make his heart flutters or his hands sweat, or head spinning. I am just me, merely a friend.
So, i put away this thought, imagination, feeling of uncertainty want to be with this person (him) , who i dont even know i love (him), or i just see as escape (him), and i said yes to my boyfriend (now fiancee).
I am not regretting my decision, not a bit, just sometimes, when i messaged him (this guy, not my fiancee), i can't stop wonder, what if i chose him, what is my future?
But then, he still treat me the same, engaged or not, like a little sister that he has. Listens to my problems, entertains me, gives advises and makes jokes on how I should run away from my fiancee and go work with him somewhere far way from here.
That kind of jokes, giving me false hope of him wanting me, loving me, hoping to have me, which I know, maybe not true at all, since I am not his type, but these jokes make me warm inside.
Make me feel special.
Make me feel wanted.
Make me feel appreciated.
Make me feel that I have choices and I can choose.
The road I am taking now, maybe not the best or the brightest of them all, but I pray, and hope, that this road, the chosen road, will help me become a better human being, a wiser human being and myself.
Love,
Me.
What happened during Eid 2013
So,
2 days later, have the gut to write this.
2 days later, have the gut to write this.
Eid 2013;
where it all started,
well basically, I got 2 weeks of holiday a.k.a study week for my final MBBS Pro exam,
so, i only went home for 4-5 days? (can't really recalled it right now)
so, during that 2 weeks holiday, me and him (now, my fiancee) discussed on whether we should take the next step, i.e. formally introduced ourselves to both side of family.
Truth to be told, I've been to his village once, during last year Eid, met some of his family members, well he never really introduce me as his loved one during that visit, but as what he told me, they knows, because he never bring other girl or mention bout other girl except me.
But for me, it is not the same. He had been to my house during eid, i don't know, 4-5 times already, with some of his guy friends. Being a popular girl, heck, being a very talkative, social human being, my guy-friend had come to my house like, since i am 8-9 years old, and so, for my family, he just owh-my-other-guy-friend-same-with-others, since erm i dont really well, never introduce him as my boyfriend.
well, why is that?
because i believe, the first guy that i introduce (hey mom, dad, this is my boyfriend/soon-to-be-husband) is the one who i am sure, will be my husband and soulmate.
yes, i am an oldie. that is my belief.
because i dont want to be a girl who brought different guy each year and introduce him as my boyfriend.
NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.
so, back to Eid 2013, day two, which was on 9/8/13;
our plan:
-he come with his family
-formally introduce ourselves to both side
-and hoping this meeting somehow will lead to somewhere positive for both of us.
what really happened:
-he came with his family and siblings
-my grandma and uncle was there too, because my grandma want to meet his family and well, my uncle drove my grandma to my house
-his family came late, it was supposed to be around 3pm, but they end up came at 4.30pm++
-during the meeting/gathering/whatever you wanna call it, suddenly his mom talk about us two (me and him) tying the knot, which of course unexpectedly for me, and my family.
-his mom want me and him to be engaged preferably before end of October since his sisters need to go back to Egypt to continue their studies.
-my dad said he will think about it, and that was all of it.
Now, you guys, well myself also at that moment , was like, WTH? How can he?? without discussing this with me? I am unprepared, my family unprepared, I am doomed!
I was furious, really really furious I dont know how to explain it but i hate, really hate unprepared, not proper plan, especially when it involves myself and my future.
he was thinking I am having coldfeet, since i got what i want, but i was thinking we are not yet ready for this. both of us are unemployed! what he was thinking?
plus, i had big exam coming up!!
so i asked my family to onhold all of this, wait for me to face my exam first.
i went back to Kuantan, half halfheartedly study, because deep down i dont want to fail.. but if i pass the exam, i need to think about the engagement yadi yada bla bla~
sigh!~
-his family came late, it was supposed to be around 3pm, but they end up came at 4.30pm++
-during the meeting/gathering/whatever you wanna call it, suddenly his mom talk about us two (me and him) tying the knot, which of course unexpectedly for me, and my family.
-his mom want me and him to be engaged preferably before end of October since his sisters need to go back to Egypt to continue their studies.
-my dad said he will think about it, and that was all of it.
Now, you guys, well myself also at that moment , was like, WTH? How can he?? without discussing this with me? I am unprepared, my family unprepared, I am doomed!
I was furious, really really furious I dont know how to explain it but i hate, really hate unprepared, not proper plan, especially when it involves myself and my future.
he was thinking I am having coldfeet, since i got what i want, but i was thinking we are not yet ready for this. both of us are unemployed! what he was thinking?
plus, i had big exam coming up!!
so i asked my family to onhold all of this, wait for me to face my exam first.
i went back to Kuantan, half halfheartedly study, because deep down i dont want to fail.. but if i pass the exam, i need to think about the engagement yadi yada bla bla~
sigh!~
that's all for now.
will continue later, insyaAllah
love,
me
Friday, October 11, 2013
End Posting Exams
Last update on my end posting exams: Medical posting.
So, what are the remaining?
Can't barely remember haha, am already throwing away my student's life with my memories ( well, hopefully not all, cause I need it during my housemanship)
So, let's recapitulate,
1st final year posting: Paeds
2nd: Psy
3rd: Surgery
4th: Medical
5th: Obs & Gynae
Hopefully, this sequence is correct!
so~ That's mean, I will write about Obs & Gynae,
owh, I got second place for this end posting exam, alhamdullilah =)
what did I got for clinical exam? Hmm,
- long case: Prem contraction with IUGR (think did great in this!)
-short case: Polyhydramnios with obese mother (did great, able to answer questions... except I forgot to use pinard to check for fetal heart. huhu, if not, I'm sure I got distinction~ phew, xde rezeki, nk buat mcm mana)
Nevertheless,
This posting make me love O&G, but still, wont pursue this for my master programme.. I think.
That's all.
Tomorrow,will write on Final Pro exam & what happened during Eid 2013. InsyaAllah.
Love,
Me
So, what are the remaining?
Can't barely remember haha, am already throwing away my student's life with my memories ( well, hopefully not all, cause I need it during my housemanship)
So, let's recapitulate,
1st final year posting: Paeds
2nd: Psy
3rd: Surgery
4th: Medical
5th: Obs & Gynae
Hopefully, this sequence is correct!
so~ That's mean, I will write about Obs & Gynae,
owh, I got second place for this end posting exam, alhamdullilah =)
what did I got for clinical exam? Hmm,
- long case: Prem contraction with IUGR (think did great in this!)
-short case: Polyhydramnios with obese mother (did great, able to answer questions... except I forgot to use pinard to check for fetal heart. huhu, if not, I'm sure I got distinction~ phew, xde rezeki, nk buat mcm mana)
Nevertheless,
This posting make me love O&G, but still, wont pursue this for my master programme.. I think.
That's all.
Tomorrow,will write on Final Pro exam & what happened during Eid 2013. InsyaAllah.
Love,
Me
Updating my life
It's been few months (almost 5 months),
Sorry dear diary, well my virtual diary,
I've been thinking whether writing everything down here, is a good decision.
But then, I'm still tempted to write here..
So,
Updating my life.
1) I passed all my final year MBBS end posting, alhamdulillah =)
2) I passed final Professional Exam, so yeay!! End of student's life. =)
3) Officially a houseman? (well, already got letters from SPA, my MMC no. so basically, I just need to go to induction for 1 week, than walla~ appointed a hospital and a busy, dreadful but hopefully meaningful and full of education and experience life is waiting.
4) Got engaged, on 15/9/13 , with him, yes with him (sigh~ don't know if this a right decision, hopefully a right one, insyaAllah). Many ups and downs, hurtful feeling, tears, MANY TEARS, and smiles and laughter, which for once I don't want to trade with something else.
5) Got my feeling confused with someone, which I , bravely told him (by that time already my fiancee) and Nana. So, currently I think I'm no longer confused. It just a fling, in a moment of weakness, in need of attention at that certain time (well that was what me and Nana agreed on).
6) Want to go to his convocation (phew~ he really took loooooong time to graduate, I don't know why his road is a very bumpy ride) on 27th October 2013.
7) My convocation, 17th November 2013!!
So that's life. Will update one by one. If I remember and has mood to write and still remember.
Love,
Me.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
End of Medical posting
D2 post medical exam,which by the way sucks.
Today, same like yesterday, i cried out loud, just because of the exam.
i think for real, i might fail.
still, no one fault but me, the ME who idk dont really that enthusiastic like others.
yes, i can see and feel prof disappointment in me,
i still can feel it now,
even my own disappointment,
for once, i am ashamed of myself,
i am
not whole.
i hate me for letting myself go this far..
if, if , if let say, i fail this exam..
idk i can bare it or not.
that is the main Q.
tq
Today, same like yesterday, i cried out loud, just because of the exam.
i think for real, i might fail.
still, no one fault but me, the ME who idk dont really that enthusiastic like others.
yes, i can see and feel prof disappointment in me,
i still can feel it now,
even my own disappointment,
for once, i am ashamed of myself,
i am
not whole.
i hate me for letting myself go this far..
if, if , if let say, i fail this exam..
idk i can bare it or not.
that is the main Q.
tq
Sunday, March 24, 2013
LET GO
1. is currently trying hard to let go that special some one
2. is currently trying hard to ignore that special some one
3. is currently trying hard to mend my broken heart
for once, i want someone else
for once, i believe, i want someone better
i deserve someone better
not you,
who don't give a damn about me.
who don't bother to affirm me.
who just being you,
without considering me.
i deserve someone better,
i want someone better.
this is not about you, because i know, you'll find other girl.
this is about me,
all about me,
wanting a different future,
a brighter one,
InsyaAllah.
p/s: tomorrow, maybe PSY block result is out... nervous
2. is currently trying hard to ignore that special some one
3. is currently trying hard to mend my broken heart
for once, i want someone else
for once, i believe, i want someone better
i deserve someone better
not you,
who don't give a damn about me.
who don't bother to affirm me.
who just being you,
without considering me.
i deserve someone better,
i want someone better.
this is not about you, because i know, you'll find other girl.
this is about me,
all about me,
wanting a different future,
a brighter one,
InsyaAllah.
p/s: tomorrow, maybe PSY block result is out... nervous
Monday, January 14, 2013
Monday blues.
maybe it's more to weekend blues, lead to monday blue..
he left me,
not officially left me,
but silent do kills.
kills me,
my heart,
my feeling.
it kills me, and as much i want him to know it,
i want him to deserve it,
deserve me not having any feelings for him.
i dont know what is my next path.
i'm still not brave enough to let him know,
letting my heart know that my brain currently hate to think about him,
refuse to think of him.
mean while,
i'll do subs,
looking at phone a little while,
still hoping that light will come,
but i guess not,
maybe not tonight
maybe not this time..
i listen to this,
while looking at the meaning..
try to relate with my situation,
then allow myself to cry a river tonight,
last time.
and end the day while looking at him,
dreaming and hoping,
everything will be just fine,
and,
i'll be fine too.
thank you.
he left me,
not officially left me,
but silent do kills.
kills me,
my heart,
my feeling.
it kills me, and as much i want him to know it,
i want him to deserve it,
deserve me not having any feelings for him.
i dont know what is my next path.
i'm still not brave enough to let him know,
letting my heart know that my brain currently hate to think about him,
refuse to think of him.
mean while,
i'll do subs,
looking at phone a little while,
still hoping that light will come,
but i guess not,
maybe not tonight
maybe not this time..
i listen to this,
try to relate with my situation,
then allow myself to cry a river tonight,
last time.
dreaming and hoping,
everything will be just fine,
and,
i'll be fine too.
thank you.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Holiday
Cuti sempena habis posting surgery; 2 weeks.
went to JB for classmate receptions,
JPO,
Jasin,
Cheras (high schoolmate house)
home, finally.
Today, result for surgery posting's out.
ALHAMDULILLAH, i pass the exam!
3 more postings, 3 end block exam and 2ND PRO EXAM.
May ALLAH make it easy for me, to face all of this..
well,
currently am 3rd day of being at home,
am 2nd day of back to so-called diet, let us see...
and,
am currently go back to what i do know i'll do best,
subbing, yes his drama.
just because,
am on holiday
=)
next!
mandarin,
cantonese,
japanese,
korean,
tagalog,
spanish.
why i have the ability to understand it, (just based on watching series, or listen to people speaking),
but can't converse?speak?communicate? in these languages?
what a waste. waste of my talent. yes i know.
do speak mandarin and cantonese, only if ONLY patient dont understand/cant talk in malay or english AT ALL.
do speak japanese, korean, tagalog and spanish, only if ONLY am alone, watching series... am conversing with myself, well maybe the series' characters too,
just because
sometimes,
it does feel good,
to not becoming you
just that.
be brave dear self
embrace it
endure it
you can do it
just do it
cause NIKE said so =).
went to JB for classmate receptions,
JPO,
Jasin,
Cheras (high schoolmate house)
home, finally.
Today, result for surgery posting's out.
ALHAMDULILLAH, i pass the exam!
3 more postings, 3 end block exam and 2ND PRO EXAM.
May ALLAH make it easy for me, to face all of this..
well,
currently am 3rd day of being at home,
am 2nd day of back to so-called diet, let us see...
and,
am currently go back to what i do know i'll do best,
subbing, yes his drama.
just because,
am on holiday
=)
next!
mandarin,
cantonese,
japanese,
korean,
tagalog,
spanish.
why i have the ability to understand it, (just based on watching series, or listen to people speaking),
but can't converse?speak?communicate? in these languages?
what a waste. waste of my talent. yes i know.
do speak mandarin and cantonese, only if ONLY patient dont understand/cant talk in malay or english AT ALL.
do speak japanese, korean, tagalog and spanish, only if ONLY am alone, watching series... am conversing with myself, well maybe the series' characters too,
just because
sometimes,
it does feel good,
to not becoming you
just that.
be brave dear self
embrace it
endure it
you can do it
just do it
cause NIKE said so =).
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